


That's War

by coldwarqueer



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Felix is SHORT, M/M, Tucker is also short but felix is SHORTY MCSHORTSHORT, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-23 23:15:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2559353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldwarqueer/pseuds/coldwarqueer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What?"</p><p>"I said, do you love me?"</p><p>Tucker's voice caught in his throat. Did he love Felix? The answer was most certainly no.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That's War

" _That's_ war _, Tucker. Not everybody makes it out alive_."

The words echoed in his head like a broken record and he wasn't sure if they had really sunk in yet. He was wandering the grounds, looking for something, anything to do. Felix's words made Tucker feel dizzy, like he couldn't focus. It didn't help the warm, anxious mass growing in his gut was just making him nauseous.

He somehow found himself staring, fifty feet away from Felix, who was sharpening his knives.

"Hey."

Felix turned his head just a margin, his only acknowledgment. Tucker's face went red, thinking just how irritating Felix could be when he really worked at it. Something told him this was how Wash constantly felt.

"Hey." Tucker's mind blanked out, trying to think of something to say. He shifted on his feet, hand coming up to touch his neck absentmindedly, eyes lowered to the ground. he watched Felix's feet, how steady he was on the ground. Didn't even bounce his leg, like Tucker was prone to doing. "You still pissed?"

"You mean do I still want to tear your head off?" Felix's whetstone tightened in his palm and he snapped the blade down into the stump he was sitting on. "Maybe not tear your head off. Maybe just stab you. I mean, still, good job, you prick. Being a hero really got to your head, hm?"

Felix rose, snatching the knife and approaching Tucker. At the last moment he swerved out of the way, only bumping shoulders with him. "Next time, _listen_ to me."

Tucker wanted to respond with something about how Felix wasn't his superior, Felix was just a paid gun to sit and look scary. Instead, just as Felix was out of his grasp, he grabbed him by the shoulder plating on his armor. "Wait."

A ball tightened in Tucker's throat as he watched Felix halt and turn his head, just enough to peer through his visor over his shoulder. Tucker hated how Felix didn't look directly at him, as if he weren't worth his time to give his undivided attention. What made Felix so special? "Wait," he said again, softer, fingers loosening and then tightening on Felix's armor. "I was just-"

"If you're going to be like this, at least wait until you've had a solid meal." Tucker can hear Felix's smile. It didn't sound sweet, it sounded smug and conceited, and nothing he wants to be a part of. But Felix touched his hand, their gloved fingers brushing in a way Tucker normally wouldn't have found so intimate, and pushed his hand away. "Go eat, Tucker. Before your fat gold guy steals it all."

Tucker stared down at his hand, right where Felix had intertwined their fingers for only a moment. Before Felix was out of earshot he could only mumble a quick, "He's orange, asshole."

* * *

The meal didn't help. Tucker thought it would, but the sloppy MREs that the New Rep soldiers put together (they told them they gave the reds and blues the best tasting ones too, how dismal) just made him feel queasy. He couldn't remember how long it had been since he'd had a proper meal.

Felix never came to meals. He wondered why that was.

"I eat alone." Felix shrugged off the question. Tucker stood in the doorway to Felix's bunk, a bunk all to himself, with his own stores and his own stack of blankets and what looked like at least four pillows on an actual _bed_.

"What makes you so special?"

Felix laughed. It was short and sharp and it almost made Tucker cringe. "Quick note, I've lasted longer here than some of the most notorious veterans."

Tucker hated the way Felix leaned in when he spoke, as if he were expecting Tucker to come closer. He shuffled forward, finally through the threshold of the door, until he was standing beside Felix's bed- a real bed- staring as Felix sat at the edge.

"What do you want, Tucker?"

"I just- I just wanted to talk, alright?" He didn't have anyone to talk to. Grif was a great guy but lord knew he never listened, Caboose was a brick wall, and Simmons- well, fuck that guy. Tucker would have loved to unload his heart and soul to Wash, but, well, that wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

"Are you sure you want to talk to _me_ , Tucker? Not someone else?" Tucker didn't mistake Felix's words for concern. Felix was rising to his feet once more, reaching up to twist his helmet off, hisses of air escaping the compression as Tucker finally saw him face to face.

He was certainly handsome, like Tucker had assumed, face full of piercings and stars etched into the shaved parts of his mohawk. Unorthodox, but definitely handsome. Tucker laughed nervously, like that was supposed to mean something. He wondered if he should take off his helmet too, wondered if this was one of Felix's weird attempts at familial intimacy.

Tucker was hesitant to follow suit, twisting the helmet off and pulling his dreads loose from his bodysuit. "Yeah. I'm sure."

Felix took a few steps towards him, steps Tucker was unsure he was supposed to mirror. He backed up, until, when he glanced over his shoulder, he saw the open door was right behind him. He watched as Felix reached past him and slammed his hand down on the electronic reader that made the door slide shut with an eerie creak.

"You don't look like you want to talk." Tucker didn't like the sound of Felix's voice, didn't like how he leaned in close, not quite enough for them to touch, but so close. When Felix finally touched him he flinched away from the hand on his cheek, expecting something firmer.

Felix's hand slid over his dark skin, into his hair, fingers catching on the tie and tugging it down the length of his bunched dreads. "I love your hair. I'm jealous. Mine would never look this good in dreads."

"That's true on most people who aren't black," Tucker muttered under his breath, gritting his teeth. Felix's soft hands lit an angry fire in his gut, and for the life of him he didn't know why.

Felix laughed, and for once Tucker got to _see_ him laugh. His short, sharp laughs that took up his entire face for just a moment before his lips twisted back down to resting, where he looked rather disinterested. "At least I'm not white."

"Whatever." Tucker's shoulders tilted back, head shaking and sending his dreads over his shoulder plating. He didn't like how cliche it was getting, that he was shaking his hair out after Felix had undone his tie. He didn't like how close Felix was. He didn't like where this was heading.

And he didn't like that he didn't want to stop.

Felix was touching his cheek again, leaning in, brushing against him skin to skin, whispering something in his ear. Tucker was too out of it to really comprehend what he was saying. He gripped Felix by the waist, cinching around one of the grooves in his armor. He turned his head sharply, catching Felix in a kiss. He didn't know what possessed him to move first, but he did, and that seemed to be what Felix had been _waiting_ for.

Felix kissed up from his jaw, hand anchoring in his dreads. Felix's kisses burned and made Tucker feel almost desperate. He pulled Felix closer with one hand, hand on his chestplate pushing with the other.

Felix didn't wait for him. He tugged him back, pushing hard into the kisses and reaching over himself to unclip the armor from his body. When he kicked off the armor, specifically his boots, Tucker realized he was suddenly leaning down to pick up the kisses.

"Uh-" Tucker was caught off guard, eyes trailing over to look at Felix's abandoned boots which, now, looked rather big. He didn't know how he hadn't noticed.

Tucker wasn't a big guy, but Felix- well, he had always thought Felix was just moderately short, like himself.

"Yes, yes, I'm very small without the boots, have your laugh now before I plow you into the bed."

"I just didn't really… notice, is all." Tucker was more shocked than anything. He tried not to think about it. He wasn't particularly in the mood to deal with surprises, and honestly Felix being short should have been an enjoyable thing for him (not every day he found another guy shorter than himself). "Sorry, he muttered under his breath, arms like noodles at his sides.

Felix grabbed him by the hair and twisted, forcing a hiss out of Tucker like steam as their teeth clacked together like bones grinding. Tucker eased into the demand slowly, hoping Felix didn't notice the catch in his breath or the stammer in his chest.

"Relax, I'm good at this. People _pay_ me to do this all the time." Felix turned his body, pulling Tucker with him until he could wind at the armor, tug it off, leaving them both in their bodysuits. Felix started with his own, peeling it away like a second skin. Tucker followed suit, hands noticeably shakier. He didn't like this, but _god_ , he couldn't _stop_ either.

"Relax," Felix urged him again, smiling soft against Tucker's throat as he touched over his brown skin, tracing the muscles that had developed over Wash's training regime. Tucker let himself be pulled to the bed ( _a real bed_ ) and laid down, let Felix hover over him and touch him in ways he hadn't be touched since basic training.

"Have you ever- ? With a guy, I mean."

"Once. It was, uh, a while ago."

Felix looked at him like he wanted to know the story; Tucker turned his head away instead.

Tucker laid his arm over his face as Felix went through the motions. He wished he had chosen to lay on his stomach, because he felt dirty. For once during sex, for once in his _life_ , he felt _dirty_ when touching another human being. Felix made him feel cheap and used, and yet Felix kept commenting about how Tucker should be the one paying _him_.

He wished he didn't imagine someone else touching him. He wanted to want Felix. He wanted Felix to be like any other fuck. He wanted to enjoy it more than just the touch. He wanted to not see someone else's face in his mind.

Felix laid beside him with a soft puff, stretching out and purring. He turned to look at Tucker, eyes crinkling at the corners in mirth. Tucker pursed his lips, unsure of what to say. There wasn't anything _to_ say.

"It's okay, Tucker, I was imagining someone else too."

Tucker got up and left, face burning and, in an uncharacteristic turn of events while after sex, wished he hadn't just done what he did. He hated that Felix didn't even have to tell him to leave, wished he _would_ tell him to leave. "Fuck off."

* * *

Tucker wished he had waited the allotted three days after a fuck to call Felix up and say, "Hey, wanna do it again?"

He hadn't even waited an entire day. He hadn't slept that night, he laid awake in his bunk shared with Caboose on a mangy cot (why did Felix of all people get an actual bed?), trying not to feel cramped next to his massive teammate.

He went to Felix at lunch, still aching for comfort and validation- and he knew he shouldn't be seeking it from Felix.

"You really like me that much?" Felix tilted his head, balancing the blade of a knife on his fingertip.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"You wanted to talk about it last night. Hey, we never did get to talk, by the way."

There was thick silence between them before Felix exhaled in a way that betrayed his irritation under the playful coyness. "C'mere." He motioned for Tucker to follow him, snatching his knife out of the air like a toy and popping it down into his belt with expertise. Tucker's eyes followed him for a moment of hesitation before his feet moved.

Felix lead him to an old building that looked like it had been shut down. He ducked under the beam in front of the door and palmed the door reader, causing the door to slid open, only to jam halfway through. "Come inside."

Tucker felt like he was being lead into a slaughter. Everything about this felt wrong and secretive, like he was going to be brutally murdered when Felix had him alone.

Felix lead him up a winding staircase, until they were finally at the top and Tucker was huffing and puffing and trying not to make it obvious. He rested his hands on his knees, glancing up at Felix, who was moving to stand in front of the lone window in the tower.

"This is where we put a sniper a few times, before the building started collapsing. No one comes in here anymore," Felix said, turning his head to watch Tucker struggle closer to him. "C'mere. Come see the view."

Tucker stood close to Felix, uncomfortably aware of the way Felix leaned into him, one arm sliding around his waist and urging him closer, urging him to look down. He could _hear_ Felix grinning. He motioned with his hands. "Everything the light touches is our kingdom," he said in an exaggerated voice. It took all of Tucker's concentration not to punch him.

"Seriously, look." Felix pulled away from Tucker and leaned against the frame of the window. The glass was long broken and cleared off around the edges for safe leaning. "What do you see?"

When he looked out, Tucker saw a clear view of the entire camp, New Rep soldiers scurrying about and performing their duties, some goofing around, some training. Tucker could clearly see the courtyard he and the other Reds and Blues had been training their lieutenants, and wondered- "Have you been watching us from up here?"

Felix turned his head away from the window, looking right at Tucker. It was unnerving, seeing Felix ratchet his head so slowly and carefully, like he were a machine. "It feels good to watch from above, doesn't it?"

Tucker could feel Felix's eyes warming him up, observing him; he didn't like it. He didn't want to feel like this asshole's pet project.

"Come on. Unwind." Felix pulled his helmet off and turned away from the window, leaving Tucker standing alone in the shadow of the frame. He was wandering towards the back of the room that was aglow with the same plants that hovered above the radioactive water. "I wouldn't touch them," Felix warned him, as if he thought Tucker was dumb enough to do such a thing. "I've got some grub."

"You keep food up here?"

"This is where I eat."

They sat and ate soggy MREs while Felix chatted about how he had found the vantage point while snooping around for extra weapons Kimball might have been holding out on him. Tucker barely listened as he watched the soldiers below them march along.

It really did feel good to watch from above.

* * *

"Tucker."

He ignored him.

"Tucker."

Still ignoring.

"Tuckeeerrrr!"

"What? For fuck's sake, _what_ , Caboose?" Tucker snapped, finally whipping around to stare up at his teammate. He watched as Caboose wilted when he shouted and instantly felt bad. "Hey-" he paused, pursing his lips together as he tried to think of something to say. "Look, what is it?"

Caboose shuffled his feet and tilted his head, like he was unsure about what he wanted to say. "You haven't been spending time with me or Grif or Simmons at all, Tucker."

"Yeah, so? I thought you guys didn't _want_ me around." Tucker felt like he was on trial. He tensed up and took a step back, leaning away from Caboose like he was afraid he would have to run from him.

"Will you stay with me today, Tucker?"

It finally clicked in Tucker's head that Caboose was literally begging not to be alone. Caboose didn't have anyone but him now. Church was gone. Wash was gone. _Freckles_ was gone. And Caboose must have felt like Tucker was slowly leaving too.

"Yeah. Yeah, I will."

* * *

"Where were you yesterday? I thought we had a plan." Felix was leaning against the door and Tucker was reminded of his drunken nights in college with clingy girls who didn't know when to take a hint.

"I was with my teammates- or maybe you forgot that I actually have those," Tucker said, turning away from Felix.

Felix laughed at him. There was no disguising it, it was sharp and bitter and it made Tucker feel cold. "Me forget? Maybe _you_ forgot. I mean, you've only been ignoring them for me for what? A week? Think about that. You ignored that poor kid for an entire week, just to get some tail."

"Shut up." Tucker tensed and tried to find something to do. He touched the handle of his energy sword, if not just for comfort. Felix interrupted him, arms sliding around him from behind.

"It's alright, I forgive you," he crooned in Tucker's ear. Tucker hated that, in his boots, Felix was taller than him. Just another reminder that Felix would go to any lengths to lord over another person.

"You're so easy to read," Felix hummed along Tucker's jaw, nestling his face into Tucker's neck and peeking at the dark skin under his bodysuit. His deft fingers twitched at the clasps of his armor, until Tucker was standing vulnerable and open to Felix's hands. "You don't want to be with them at all, do you?"

"I don't want to be with you, either."

"And yet here you are."

Tucker twisted in Felix's grip, turning and shoving a hand against his chestplate. Felix's almond shaped eyes narrowed at him, going sharp and focused. "Fuck you, man. Just- just fuck you."

"All you had to do was ask." Felix's armor was shed like a second skin, until they were both peeling off their bodysuits and pressing against one another to keep the heat. Tucker groaned into the pillow beside him, guilt overcoming him. This was where Caboose slept. It felt wrong.

Watching Felix move on top of him was like watching a lion move on the savanna. Everything was calculated and heated and Tucker had to bite his forearm to keep from making too much noise. The walls were so thin here.

When Felix collapsed beside him, sweaty and finished, Tucker stared at the ceiling like he had made a mistake. He spared a glance at Felix, who was stretching like a cat after a nap. He didn't expect him to roll over and curl himself against Tucker's side. Tucker shifted his arm to awkwardly herd Felix under his shoulder and against his chest. The merc seemed to take the hint and nuzzled up to him like a housecat desiring attention.

"Do you love me?"

Tucker was thrown off by the question. Felix didn't say it with disdain or even excitement. His tone was even and cool, just like every other day. He sounded curious more than anything and when Tucker met his eyes he watched as Felix shifted his head, eyes following Tucker's movements like he were prey.

"What?"

"I said, do you love me?"

Tucker's voice caught in his throat. Did he love Felix? The answer was most certainly no. He definitely did not love Felix. Felix was a merc, Felix was paid to be there, he wasn't even entirely sure that Felix _liked_ him. Did he love Felix? No. He didn't. He didn't know if he ever would. Their relationship together wasn't something he had thought would last. There was a looming expiration date on this- whatever it was.

Felix was still watching him. He slid up Tucker's body like a snake, cupped his face in both hands as he leaned over him. He brushed Tucker's cheek with a thumb, smiling so sweet to him. Tucker knew that couldn't be real.

"Tell me you love me."

Tucker still felt like his throat was frozen. He didn't know what to say. He croaked out a shaky, "I- I love you."

It felt hollow.

Felix made a noise of delight in his throat. He leaned down to kiss Tucker, quick and sharp like the peck of a bird. "Say it again."

"I love you."

Felix pecked him again, longer this time, lips hovering over Tucker hot and breathy when he said, "Again."

Tucker's face went red and he gripped Felix's shoulder with one hand, pushing him to the side and rising to his level. He wanted to tell Felix to go fuck himself, but the only thing that came out was, "Fuck you! I love you!"

Felix laughed at him again and grabbed his neck, kissing him again. It made Tucker melt under his touch. Felix licked his lips and purred, brushing their cheeks together as he said, "I know you do."

* * *

Tucker was reeling from his confession days after. He told Felix he loved him, and the third time around he wasn't entirely sure it was a lie. There was something about Felix that brought out fire in him, fire in his voice and fire in his gut. He shouldn't have gotten caught up in the exchange like he did.

As the day went on, with every passing moment that he shouted at Palomo, for every moment that he knew he should be thinking about how to save his friends he was thinking about Felix. He even saw him roaming once or twice. Every time he saw orange he stopped and turned. Felix didn't so much as spare him a glance.

"Hey-"

The third time Felix circled the field they were training in Tucker reached out to him. He could feel Palomo and Grif and Caboose watching him talk to Felix like he were someone to be trusted- _he wasn't_ \- and he wasn't sure why he was feeling hot under his cheeks. He shouldn't be ashamed of talking to Felix. As it was, Felix was a comrade in arms. There was no reason _not_ to talk to him.

"Do you need something, Captain Tucker?" Felix shifted his shoulder when Tucker tried to touch his arm, so he dodged just out of his reach. He turned his head in that mechanic way that sent shivers down Tucker's spine.

Tucker was thrown off by the impersonal line delivered so cold to his face. "What?"

"I said do you _need_ something?" Felix turned his entire body to look at Tucker, his body shifting weight from both feet to one, hip cocking and shifting his gun to one arm. "I'm a little busy right now."

"Busy? Don't fuck with me- you've been circling us for two hours."

"Yeah, and I'm too busy to play around with you. Funny how that works." Felix spun his rifle and hooked it under his other arm. He walked past Tucker, bumping shoulders with him. When Tucker whipped around Felix shot him a glance over his shoulder, and Tucker swore he winked at him.

* * *

"Are you just going to fucking ignore me?"

Felix looked over his shoulder from where he was sitting at the sniper window. Tucker was fuming, storming up the tower just to get to him. Tucker felt jilted. Two days before he had told Felix he loved him, wasn't even sure if it was just because Felix asked if he did. The night before he had blown Felix behind the mess hall just _because_. Now the merc was acting like he didn't even exist.

"This isn't some shitty summer romance! Once we're back at school you can't just ignore me!" When Felix raised a pierced eyebrow at him he doubled back on his statement. "That metaphor got away from me. My point is you can't just fucking ignore me like that, just because we're around other people."

Felix was slow to react, slow to approach him. He grabbed Tucker by the throat with one hand and leaned in, head tilted slightly down. Tucker thought he was going to kiss him, and if he dared he might have to bite his tongue off. Instead of kissing him Felix avoided his lips altogether, leaning in to brush against his ear, "Just watch me, Tucker."

* * *

Tucker _did_ watch him ignore him around everyone else. It didn't help that in private Felix ignored the fact he ignored him. In private Felix would touch him, casual touches that were comfort in quick, small ways. Felix brushed his arm and leaned into him, comfortable and soft in a way Tucker hadn't been with anyone in a long time.

"Hey," he whispered, turning his head in time to find Felix wrapping an arm around him. He leaned into the hold, pressing their lips together. It was softer, less hungry and less lustful.

"Tell me you love me," Felix murmured to him, fingers tracing over Tucker's neck and fiddling with the clasp of his chestplate. Tucker shivered under the touch.

"Love you." Tucker shifted his weight to help Felix undo his armor, until it was falling open to the floor. He wished Felix would open himself up like had in private. He _had_ opened himself up, right?

Come to think of it, Tucker didn't know much about Felix at all.

Damn near jack shit.

When they were laying in Felix's bunk, with Felix once more pressed against Felix like a cat needy for warmth and attention, he finally tried to probe Felix about himself-

"We have matching scars, you know," he said, pointing to Felix's gut. There was a ragged scar that ran from one side to the middle, then trailed off at the other side. Tucker's was much more _surgical_ , but, well, it was there, and they matched.

Felix raised his eyebrows at Tucker, as if he were noticing for the first time. "So we do."

"What's yours from?"

"Nothing exciting. What about yours?"

Tucker felt like that was a complete deflection, but he fell for it. His heart melted, thinking about Junior out in the world somewhere, doing what he did, kicking ass and bringing honor to their family. "Don't laugh."

Again, Felix raised his eyebrows. Tucker was prompted to speak on, "I had a kid."

"You told me that already. Like, _had_ a kid. With the scar. As in, they cut it out of you?"

"It's a long story, full of idiots and weird aliens, and I might have fucked the alien."

"You sure are a character, Tucker." Felix smiled up at him with half lidded eyes, looking sleepy and content. He rested his head on Tucker's shoulder, exhaling long and loud. "I hate kids."

Felix said it with such poise and casual tone it made Tucker do a doubletake. He was personally insulted. He had never been a person who liked children, not openly, until he had Junior. He loved his son to bits, would go to the ends of the earth for him, the edge of the known galaxy and more.

And hearing Felix lump him in with other brats just felt… wrong.

"What? You think it's supposed to be different because it's _your_ kid?"

He did think it was supposed to be different.

"Shut up. Go to sleep. I'm tired." He turned on his side and Felix cooed over him, told him he was sorry for upsetting him and he would make it up to him and, _sorry I don't like brats_.

Tucker realized, halfway through round two, he had stopped imagining Wash's face on Felix's body. When he had stopped he had no clue.

* * *

He knew there was an expiration date to it. He knew he shouldn't have ever told Felix he loved him, because it wouldn't last.

Wash put an arm on his back and tried to assuage his worries and Tucker looked him dead in the eye and begged for booze. Wash looked both ways before showing Tucker the bottle of whiskey, stolen from the feds, that he had been saving for himself.

"I told him I loved him," Tucker hiccuped, resting his heavy head on Wash's shoulder. Everything was blurry and heavy, and nothing felt permanent. "I can't believe I was so stupid."

Wash's shoulders were tense, but his warm hand on Tucker's back was firm and reassuring. "You told him you loved him, but… did you? Do you?"

"I don't know. I don't fucking know," Tucker muttered, closing his eyes and tucking himself up into Wash's comforting grip. "I didn't. And then I might have. And he showed me things, Wash, and he- he made me say I loved him, and…"

"And?"

"And he never said it back." Tucker shook under Wash's touch, thinking about everything Felix had done to him, how he had opened him up and crushed him from the inside out. "Do you ever think he loved me?"

Wash curled an arm around him and pulled him closer. He heaved a sigh and Tucker felt him squeeze him just slightly, enough to notice. "That's not love. That's war, Tucker."


End file.
